Ants could be dangerous!

“Without purpose, life becomes meaningless and people experience a sense of alienation and angst.” – Jean Paul Sarte

I came across this quote a couple of weeks of go.  It sounded smart, inspiring and impressive (even though I had no idea what it meant), so I made a little half sheet poster and tapped it on my wall, so that when someone came in to my office and saw it, they’d think – “Hey that sounds smart and cool” and thereby, by inference, assume that therefore I must be smart and cool.  It’s a cheap ploy, but hey, it’s worth a shot.   I mean, how often do you get to use the word ‘angst’ in a sentence?  It’s just one of those words that intimidates people when you use it because its all existential sounding and it suggests, “I know what it means” when really you have had to look up the spelling.  But the other person doesn’t know that – well at least the few that don’t read this blog – and they obviously suffer from agsnt, um angtns, you know,  - “an intense feeling of non-directional anxiety and strife” – (it’s amazing how intelligent one sounds when quoting Wikipedia). 

Anyway, all that aside – my little sign has given me something to stare at for the last few weeks other than that drywall nail pock hole that is the usual  focus of my attention causing me to reflect on such things as “why was that drywaller in such a hurry at that moment?”  “Did his phone ring and he got a call from his wife telling him he forgot that it was her birthday and if he wanted supper, there had better be a card and flowers on the way?” Or perhaps, he was overcome by that sudden non-directional sense of anxiety and strife that momentarily distracted him with a keen yet unusual awareness of life so that he questioned “what meaning and purpose is there to my life and why do I feel suddenly alone in the universe?” – voila!- angst! - which was different from his usual thought of “mud is squishy when it’s wet”.    (It is a wonder I get any work done at all.  Please don’t forward this to my supervisor!  By the way, there’s also a small rip in my carpet, which is the focus of much ‘angst’ at the moment as I’m thinking it actually may be a breech in the space time continuum occurring directly under my feet and one day I will fall into it and disappear and people will eventually wonder “where did he go?”, or will they know that I existed at all -- but then I will  re-appear in a parallel universe where my wall is perfectly smooth and does not distract me!” For those who may not know, I actually was diagnosed with Dyslexia with ADDHD – and no, I have never done drugs on purpose, which is another story entirely.

All that being what it is, I’m actually being increasingly challenged by the depth of this thought.  Simply put, I feel better about myself when what I do makes a difference to someone else.  There is a satisfaction that comes from the awareness, “I matter to someone – I am noticed”.  Now, before you think that’s a narcissist deal, hang with me.   The energy that I receive as a result of my involvement, no matter how small a difference is made, is ‘food for my soul’.   If we’re honest, we’re all wired that same way.  Even God, when He finished creating the world stepped back from it, looked at all He had done and declared, “It is good”.  Now, for God it was more the enjoyment of the thing, rather than the necessity -- God has created within us, a desire for purposeful and meaningful work beyond the 8 hour pay cheque thing - rather the sum of our life direction and activity.  I don’t think that was a pride thing.  Or, that it is wrong when we have been apart of something that makes a difference to step back and survey what we have done and say, “It is good”.  I believe the error is when it causes me to say, “Man, look at me, I’m good!” - the real source of many my problem.  I am convinced that part of the Image of God is the desire and capacity to engage in on going unfolding of ‘Creation’.   God has hardwired us to want to step back from what we ‘create’ and experience ‘it is good’.  Now, if you accept that, I want to push us one step further, and this is where my thinking has been recently (so I do think more than just about that poor drywall guy or the space time continuum). How much opportunity do we give, permit, enable, open up (pick your word) for those that we support to experience and connect with a meaningful purpose and thereby experience community, connectedness and  a real sense of belonging?  This is more than receiving a pay cheque – although this is an important component.  I believe however, there is a deeper quality that is missing other than the money.  It is: what I do really makes a difference; it contributes to the whole; I am not alone, but a contributing part of my community.  My personal belief is that many whom we support long at some level to step back and look at what they have ‘created’ and equally be able to say “it is good”.  I wonder if this is part that transforms what we do in CH from good ‘social’ work (which I respect greatly), i.e. the cup of cold water, into ‘Ministry Work’ “in His name”.  The challenge before us is the recognition that ‘serving the person with exceptional needs’ goes beyond ‘doing for’ and means helping people connect with the purpose for which God created us – to make a difference, and to belong to a caring community.  Now that is an awesome purpose for us.  Imagine stepping back and seeing that because of your small part, the person whom you are supporting is connected to purpose, meaning and is able to step back and say “it is good”.  Now that’s good Work!

An ant has just begun to cross my office floor angling toward me.  Suddenly I feel a sense of angst setting in wondering if he/she/it is really an agent sent from that parallel universe to stun me with its stinger and drag me with its pinchers into that rip in the fabric of time…  I gotta go.

Anyway, I was just thinking.

Neil