Blended Families

One of the biggest challenges facing society today with the break down of the traditional family is the merging of blended families. Being from a blended family myself, I know that the process of creating a family with people of diverse backgrounds and life circumstances brings great joy and great pain simultaneously as we struggled to create individual and family identity. Here are some ideas which may be helpful when blending families.

First, accept the level of relationship offered by everyone in the family. Though it may be your hearts desire to fulfill a “Mom” or “Dad” role in the life of your step child, you do not need that title to have a close relationship. Let the relationship take its natural course. Keep in mind that for the child to call you anything other than your first name might be viewed by them as a betrayal of their biological parent, no matter how poor that parenting was.

In my case, I did refer to my adopted Father as “Dad” but I made my own decision without pressure. Oppositely, I know of other blended families where children continued to call their adopted parents by their first names and they maintained equally close relationships. Make the quality of the relationship your focus.

A second idea to keep in mind when blending families is to honour the history of each person who joins the family. My blended family was formed in both joyful and painful circumstances. Some people saw the merging of our lives as a symbol of a fresh start.
Others saw the merging of our lives as a symbol of the potential for more pain and rejection as the wrestled with feelings of anger, resentment and abandonment. In some cases, they had just left violent, abusive homes and didn’t believe that life could be better. When blending a family each individual must be honoured for where they are at. This requires a lot of understanding. There is no question it is hard and messy work sometimes.

Thirdly, blended families must learn to balance time between separateness and togetherness. There are times when biologically related parents and children need to spend exclusive time together, times when step children and step parents spend exclusive time together and times when the family gathers as a whole. There are no set rules as to when or how this occurs. Each family must establish, implement and accept its own patterns of relating and family rituals.

If you face challenges associated with the merging of a blended family, realize that there is great potential for close relationships if you are patient, persistent and aware of how each member of the family is interpreting your coming together. As difficult as it may be, follow the example of Jesus in loving each member of the family, right where they are at. Trust that he will use their pain and other life experiences to draw them to his heart and ask him to use them mightily in drawing others to the Lord.

- Terry Harris

Diagnosed with Cerebral Palsy when he was two years old, Terry Harris in the opinion of many experts within the medical and education professions, would never walk, talk, read, write or go to a regular school. It was recommended to his parents that he beplaced in an institution. In 1995 Terry graduated from Brock University with a B.A. in English Literature and obtained a degree in marriage and family therapy in 1999 from Tyndale Seminary.